God in the Attitude

The Christmas season is upon us.  I am so excited this year.  I was in a fog the last couple of years due to many personal and health reasons.  But this year I feel re-connected to the true reason for the season.  I am not sure what the reason is - but I know God is behind it. I have struggled with my health for the last several months - well even for the last several years if I am completely honest.  For those reasons and probably many others - it was just hard to get into the spirit.  Usually I am such a Christmasy person that I tend to make others a little nauseated... but I think I finally have found my balance.  I think that some of the worldly things that have made a difference are NO TELEVISION - yes that is what I said...  NO TV.  The hubs turned it off while I was in the hospital and we were not able to figure out the rabbit ears and converter box thing...  so only DVD's.  Since I am not really a movie person - and all of my cooking shows and the like are not available to me any more - I am really getting things done.  I think this is why I am feeling so much better - less distractions and less opportunities to tune out of life.  I will say however this is all GOD.  HE is in control and I needed to get back to basics to HE helped my hubby to be able to take us there.  This year will be a great one.  Not too many things have changed in my circumstance - but so many in my attitude of gratitude.

God Never Wastes a Hurt...

I am trying to recooperate from a long stint in the hospital.  It is not easy, and it is quite tiring, but I want my normal life back so terribly bad that I am working at it as best I can.  All of that time in the hospital gave me pause to think about a few things.  At one point I was actually concerned that my time here on this rock might be up.  I was searching my memories to figure out what thing I had done - as I have always been told we are here for a purpose, and when we accomplish what God sets us out to do - then our time is up.  I could not remember anything that I had done to be finished with this race.  I began to pray like never before that HE would allow me just a little more time here to be with my family.  Not that I am afraid to die - not at all - ok maybe a little - but I do KNOW that when my time is up - I will be sitting at the feet of my KING and that is nothing to be afraid about.  As I tried to examine my fear - I realized it was not with the dying - but the being dead that I was having issues.  If I died - who would take care of my family?  How would my amazingly loving husband be able to keep in touch with the kids - he is their step-dad afterall.  Would their Birth-Dad's allow him to have access?  That would absolutely kill my Mister if he could not be a part of their life's anymore.  I had fear that my Mister would give up on GOD...  That is a little unfounded - considering we have had that conversation somewhat recently, he would not give up - just be a little ticked at HIM I suppose.  Then I was afraid of what would happen if I could not be there to do all of the "volunteer work" and my job at work...  how odd - someone else would eventually replace me, and it would not likely take that long.  All of my fears were unfounded though - because GOD allowed me to make it through another urgent health situation.  I am glad I am not done.  I am glad I have not yet accomplished what I was put here to do.  I am thankful for more time with my hubby and my family.  GOD heard my pleas.  I am so thankful.  I think my faith is a little bigger thanks to my time in the hospital.  I know I am a little closer to HIM.  God never wastes a hurt - never.

God in the... guilt?

I was suppose to get on the elipitical yesterday.  I felt guilty for not doing it, but did not remember until after my wonderful, sweet hubby went to bed and I did not want to wake him...  I fell asleep thinking I would get up this morning before church and get on that machine, and I did not do it.  I feel guilty all over again.  Now, as I sit here at my keyboard and look at the clock... 10:28pm...  I feel guilty again.  I dont think God causes us to feel guilty - the guilt is self-serving.  God does, however, remind us of what it right and of what we should be doing.  I will get on the machine tomorrow first thing in the morning when I get up.  I dont have anywhere to go and no excuses.  I will do this, and I will feel a little better.  God just keep motivating me...  even if that motivation feels like guilt to me, and least I will be doing something...

GOD in the motivation!

Tonight I got on the eliptical again - this time for 20 minutes.  Our machine will tell you how far you have gone, how many calories you have burned, your pulse rate...  etc.  I burned 100 calories...  that is awesome!  I am so sore from my calf up to my butt.  It was hard for me to make it passed the first five minutes, but then I decided to stop worrying about how long I was on there - and started to lift my friends and family up to The Father.  Before I knew it, I had been movin' my butt for 20 minutes.  Way to go GOD!!  Thank you for the motivation!

God in the Changes

Yesterday - one of my co-workers noticed a shirt I was wearing and commented on it looking nice on me - then she said it would be even better if you would just do...  Some may think that was tacky - but this person who made this series of comments is someone that I know and trust.  For all intensive purposes I consider her family.  She wanted me to realize that for the last three years I have been giving all I had to the situation with my son.  Now that has come to a completion, so she ever so gently reminded me that I need to take care of me.  It was a touching moment for me, then...

I got an email from one of my friends from church.  It was a devotional about how we see ourselves and that we should see what Jesus sees.

This got me to thinking, I need to be happy with me, and part of that is taking time for myself.  So today I got on the eliptical machine that has been collecting dust in my room.  I spent fifteen hard minutes listening to praise and worship music and trying not to think about what I was doing.  My thighs were burning and my heart rate was climbing.  The next thing I know I have serious sweat dripping down my neck.  All this and it was only fifteen minutes.  I realize now that what I need to do for me is get in better shape.  I know that I am what God has designed on the inside - but now I need to work on the outside - but not for anyone other than for me.  I will do my best to get in some exercise and eat better...  I and going to do this - a little at a time.  And when the day comes that I have made some headway - I will know that God is in the changes...  the changes in me!

God in the Calling

What a strange day.  Today school started and I realized that my life as a MOM will be a little different now.  Not only is my older child now in high school **OMG** but my younger child has just started her last year of elementary.  When I see this in black and white it really seems so benign…  but my heart is starting to quiver at the thought that I have made it to the point in life where elementary school will be a thing of the past.  No more PTA meetings to sit through so that I can watch my child sing in the half-hour play that the teachers put on.  No more "Pre-Packaged School Supplies" to support PTA.  No more daily signing folders to see what my kiddo has done that day.  But wait…  this also means no more sweet (and still a little sticky) craft projects coming home at Mother's Day, Father's Day, Christmas…  No more "Guess what I did today" excitement.  No more going on field trips and getting to be the "Best Mom Ever" when I buy all of the kids in my group an ice-cream…  I will miss these days so very much – but I will look forward to Science projects, and overnight field trips, and of course helping with homework that is way over my head.  Coming to terms with the fact that your child has just surpassed you in the category of "book-smarts" is a hard thing to do.  I am so not looking forward to getting into a battle of whits with my child and LOSING…  But I know it is coming and it is bearing down on me way faster than I want it to…

I wonder what the Father thinks when we, as Christians "graduate" to the next level…  And what is that anyway.  I mean seriously – I hear the term Baby Christians...  all the time.  I have even been guilty of calling myself one from time to time.  I suppose now, if I were to have to categorize myself, I would lean toward being a Pre-Teen Christian…  Feeling like I know more than I used to but without the smart mouth – and cocky attitude…  How though, does GOD see me?  I am HIS child – does he even categorize me…  I mean really now – how often do those who feel so unequipped and young in their walk get called to do more for His Kingdom?  It happens – ALL.  THE.  TIME.  And I would be willing to bet – each of us that is really open to doing what He wants for us, will all be faced with a challenge – the challenge – of just doing what HE asks us to do, instead of telling him what we are willing, or able, or wanting to do.  Take me for instance – I don't really like kids.  Don't get me wrong – I love them, but I don't like them too much.  I have a very low tolerance for misbehaving children.  You know the kind I am referring to - the kind that are serious Heathen-Devil-Dog-Misbehaving children...  the ones that you just don't look forward to dealing with. This happened to me recently – I began to teach Kindergarten Girls (a group of six of them) about JESUS.  Do you know what happened – GOD has changed my heart.  I love these little girls.  And now that the school year is over, I am blessed to teach a new set of girls.  I am blessed to get to know more names, and situations, and teach them how to hide JESUS in their hearts.  Will it be a challenge – you bet!!  But I think it will be one of the best challenges I have taken on in a long time, and I am assured that it will be WORTH THE EFFORT!!!!           

Woohoo GOD!!

Thanks for calling me GOD and thanks for growing me just as you grow my children – thank you for entrusting them to me and for allowing me to be their mom.  I pray that all of the little children you put in my class will see Jesus in me – in big ways and small – and that in some small way I will help them to know you, and maybe even help them to draw near to you.  If I can just plant some seeds into these sweet little hearts that are so ready for you LORD – I just ask that you equip me.  I know you will – you have promised this…

God in the Grocery Game...

Before the Grocery game I spent as much or more that I spend now on groceries and we never had anything to eat it seemed.  I would plan meals and when the pay period was over we were scrounging for ways to make what we had (as little as it seemed at times) go a little farther.  Then one evening one of my daughter's friend's mom was running late from work and would not be able to get to the after school program on time.  Since we knew this child and I had talked to the mom a few times, I offered to bring them home to my house and let this child hang out with my kids for a while till mom could come.  Then mom got there and was telling us how she was going "Grocery Gaming" that evening.  Of course I was wondering what is this Grocery Game...  so I asked her to tell me more.  That was the beginning of a wonderful relationship between me and my coupons...  Only GOD could have orchestrated this when we needed it so desparately at that time...  Fast forward to today and you might just ask yourself:

Where else can you spend a couple of hours of preparation and over the course of two weeks come out ahead of the game on your groceries?  Do you wonder what it is I am talking about?  Well settle in and learn a little my friend.  I have been subscribing to a little thing called The Grocery Game.  You can find it at http://www.thegrocerygame.com/ .  I save big percentages every week.  Prior to the last couple of weeks I was getting a pretty good average usually saving betweek 30-50 percent but more often than not, I was much closer to the lower end of that percentage.  In the last couple of weeks I have been going on to all of the additional sites out there looking for coupons that are printable and ones that can be loaded to my grocery reward card.  I think I may have hit the mother load.  Last week I purchased $316.18 worth of groceries and I paid a mere 128.83 for a savings of $187.35 or 59%.  This was one of the highest savings I have had until today.  Today I went shopping and purchased $203.24 worth of groceries for a measly $66.22 for a savings of $134.02 or... thats right...  uh huh... 66%!!!!!  I have only paid in the last two weeks $195.05 for my groceries that were worth $519.42...  Allow me to break this down for you...  I budget 125 per week on groceries.  We take our lunches to work/school almost every day.  For the last two weeks I am UNDER budget.  This is a GOD thing!  We are being good stewards of our money and now HE is rewarding us.  We are using Dave's system and it is all coming together.  God in the Grocery Game...  At least for my family.

God in the Money Mill...

I am challenging myself to be more observant of my surroundings...  Not in the traditional sense, but in the GOD sense.  I know that GOD is everywhere, I just want to challenge myself to see it - to be more aware.  So today I was thinking about our finances.  We are on the "Dave Ramsey" diet.  For all intensive purposes this means that we are as frugle as possible.  One of my frugalities is the "Money Mill"  you drop in your change and over time you find you have many dollars...  Allow me to explain...  Imagine the wonderous sound of a gently whirring motor, this whirring is accompanied by ching ching...ching ching ching.  The whirring is the sweet sound of the motor turning the plastic plate that gently and swiftly encourages each shiny, beautiful coin into its slender plastic sleeve... as each coin is guided into its home, it meets the final resting place... ching.  Then of course the next hand full of glorious coinage is dropped into the holy grail of personal change management.  As, over time, the mill is fed day in and day out - eventually each of the sleeves is filled to capacity.  More magic happens as each tube of coins is then transfered to its paper wrapper, which I like to think of as the gift wrap that my coins turned to dollars are each wrapped in.  Sometimes, when several tubes are ready for harvest at the same time, it feels like hitting the Cycle...  it is so exhilirating.  What's more, with each wrapped tube of coins there is a little more money saved to pay of a specific bill, or to buy that thing that I would never budget for.  It is so worth it!!  Not everyone understands this...  You should have seen the look on that clerks face when I told her I had been saving my pennies, then after she rang up my tennies - I pulled a gallon zippy bag out of my purse with $47.50 in rolled change...  PRICELESS. 

You may be wondering where I can see GOD in this...  Allow me to explain.  A year ago we where struggling to make ends meet.  It was so hard to always say to the kids "we cant afford that".  Then we found Dave Ramsey.  This was a GOD thing.  As we began to name every dollar and put them into envelopes so that we knew where our money was and where it was going, we were finding ourselves on a cash basis.  Suddenly the coins began to collect.  When you pay for something with your budgeted money and you find that you are given .29 in change you just dont even think about it.  Then over time and many transactions being good stewards of what we were entrusted there is a surplus of coins...  Now I am able to enjoy the sound of the Money Mill all because of the plan that GOD put into my life and our budget.  Oh how sweet it is...  If I can find HIM here, I can know I can find him elsewhere...  I wonder where I will see HIM tomorrow.

New number to get used to...

Today I had the excrutiating task of informing my younger child that my older child will not be coming home to live.  This was almost as hard to tell her as it was finding out ourselves.  I sat her down next to me and gently we told her that he would not be coming home to live - that the courts would not make him do this.  And then - I watched my sweet child crumple into a ball into my lap and sob.  She was heartbroken.  She was angry.  She was disappointed.  Mostly though - she was hurt.  We spent some time re-assuring her that this was going to be ok.  Trying to point out any "bright side" we could and - if I am to be perfectly honest - failing at finding any for her.  As I looked into her blue eyes and could see that this pain she was feeling was big for her.  It might even have been the biggest pain she has felt so far in her short life.  I am so sad for her.  I wanted to hold her, and tell her it would be ok.  We did assure her that God is in control and that His plan and purpose will be done in this...  I just wish this had given her some peace.  Perhaps it did - in her own way she may be receiving peace from what we shared with her.  I do wonder though - what will her prayers be like now?  I know mine have changed from "Bring my baby home" to "Please protect him from evil and guide his steps".  I wish I could comfort the pain out of this for her.  I wish I could comfort the pain out of this for me too.  As I broke this news as gently as I could, I could not help but feeling this lump in my throat the size of a baseball; I could feel my eyes get hot and sting with the anticipation of the tears that were about to fall; and I began to shake in not only my body - but my voice as well.  All of this and I have had some time to "get used" to this new situation.  Poor sweet girl - I wonder how long it will take her to get used to this new permanence...  Actually I wonder if we will ever really get used to it at all.  We are a family of four who has one of our members away almost all of the time.  How can we get used to three of everything.  Seriously - three is such an odd number.  I hate this number - 3 - !  I want us to be four again.  I want this so very badly but I find that four may not be in our future.  And so today, as I pen these words, I realize anew that perhaps though life as we have known it for so long and so longed to know it - will be forever changed.  God - give us strength.

Hope Springs Eternal...

Life is a series of ebbs and flows.  Ups and downs.  Good and bad.  As long as we work toward ending on the high note - as often as possible - life and all of its surprises will not get the best of us.  I am reminded of how important it is to be flexible and willing to embrace change.  Today I had a meeting of sorts that will change my servant roll at church.  I dont see the change being huge, but there will be change.  I am so excited as this is the same kind of change I have been hoping for and praying for for a good long time.  I know that with change - even when you are looking forward to it - there is often discomfort.  But I will weather this series of changes with excitement and be encouraged that GOD is in the middle of it.  I wonder though, how this will affect our team.  I am sure though, that, what ever we are in store for, HE will make it all for HIS glory. 

This gives me the utmost comfort.

Grace vs Mercy

One of my friends sent me a word of encouragement today - this comes after an evening of pain that only a mother will bear from one of her children:

"Moms are the closest thing to Jesus this world knows. They are always there and they love us through our proudest victories and our most destructive choices. But Our Father in heaven is familiar with the heartbreak of watching His children choose separation and brokeness over His love and true life. Noone knows how you feel right now better than He does. I know His heart breaks with yours sister. Hold tight to His Word. It's where He shows us how we are to respond in this exact circumstance.  Love you girl."

What kinder thing can a friend send to encourage me - from one mom to another.  I am blessed that I have a network of Godly women and men around me. 

I am still struggling with this new decision that we have been handed down.  I am reminded of the following:

Grace is getting what you don't deserve. Mercy is when you DON'T get what you DO deserve.

I dont deserve anything - I am a wretched sinner, but by HIS BLOOD, I am saved by Grace through Faith.
I will give Mercy - I am commanded to do so...
"Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you. This is the essence of all that is taught in the law and the prophets.  Matthew 7:12

So I will just try to get a little more acquainted with Grace and Mercy...Getting and Giving...

Father, protect my family; carry us through the hurt and disappointment of the recent days and weeks.  Give us peace that passes all understanding.  Remind us that you are the Shepherd and we are but the sheep.  Help us fix our eyes upon you - and grow us in your love and compassion.  Teach us to remember what we are here to do - Receive the Grace we do not deserve, and Freely show Mercy to those around us and to ourselves.  Father shine your light at our feet so we can follow you.  Remove our chains of bondage to this world and allow us to relish in the understanding that this fleshly world is only temporary and what You have for us in eternity is far greater.  Bless us as we follow you and gently remind us to stay the course.  I lay my Isaac at your feet.  Amen.

Changes

I have lived a life full of changes.  I have moved countless times, and lived in many  small towns before I finally settled where I am today.  I have watched my children grow and change from little peanuts to strong, intelligent, and able young people.  I am again at another change in my life.  This weekend I found out that the fight I have been fighting for the last three years – it is over.  I lost.  My child will not be returning home to live, but will instead live 110 miles away – 2.5 hours – and there is nothing I can do about it.  This is now permanent.  I am confused, hurt, and angry – but not at my child; I am so emotionally charged due to the situation and the legal system.  I have no doubt that it can work right, and some feel like justice is served, but I feel like our legal system has give too much responsibility to our young children and to strangers who never get to know you.  Our Social Worker seems to be a nice person – I even decided early on that I would acquiesce to her decision regardless of the outcome.  I am now doing just that.  I am handing my son over to his father.  This is the same man who was less than kind to me when we were married and had nothing to do with our son until he became old enough to be a pawn in this crazy game of hurt-the-ex-wife.  And now, even though he says he wants to be the full time dad, he seems unable (read: unwilling) to fulfill all of the necessary functions of the full-time dad.  Even with a wife to help him, he still puts my son on the back burner.  Perhaps because he knows how much this behavior hurts me, perhaps because he thinks our fourteen year old should grow up faster than I think he should, or maybe it is just because he is a big old butt – either way he puts my son further down the list of priorities than I think any parent should with their child.  I guess this is out of my hands now, never to be in my ability to have any say in again.  This frustrates me to all end…  And I think this is hurtful to my son.  I know he sees this, but is so enamored with his father who has finally given him some attention after all the years, the he doesn't want to admit it.  And he (my son) has even begun to twist reality into something that it is not.  You can't tell him that dad was not there for any length of time, because he will not believe it – whether out of self-preservation or because his father has misinformed him; I don't know.  I know only one thing – this change – now permanent – is the single-hardest change I have ever had to go through in my life.  It has come with more pain, and hurt, and dismay than anything else.  I have been through deaths of loved ones that were not as difficult.  This change will take some getting used to…

God help me to move through this process with grace and as a good example for my children.  I know they are watching every move I make, so each move must be made with intention and purpose.

Praying by the clock...

Tick - Tock - Tick - Tock goes the clock... with each Tick and each Tock that clock slows down until the hands just stop moving.  This is what it feels like to me right now.  I am is a holding pattern and this waiting is so frustrating.  Sleep is hard to come by; not because I run out of time, but because when I sleep I dream; and when I dream I wake up and the reality is that my vivid dreams are nothing more than a memory.  You see I have one week until I will find out what my future holds.  Just seven days until I am face to face with a new reality.  This new reality could be unspeakably horrible, or it could be positively blissful.  Regardless of the outcome, the one constant is that I will be giving all praise and glory and credit to God.  He is my salvation in the storm.  He is my stronghold.  He is my world.  I don't know where I would be without Him. 

He has given me all of the good in my life.  I know there is a possibility for more pain around the bend, but I also know that when He prunes us as painful as it is, it allow us to bear more fruit.  My season to bear fruit may not even be right away.  That's ok.  I will bear the pruning, knowing that there is something better later.  I will not let anything keep me from leaning on HIM.  HE is my foundation.  HE is my salvation.  HE is my best friend.  HE knows me inside and out and still loves me.  HE has allowed me to make mistakes with my free will.  But most amazingly of all, HE has been there to help me pick up the pieces when my mistakes are big.  HE also helps me keep the size of life's hurdles in perspective.  Nothing, absolutely nothing is bigger than HIM!! 

So as I hear the Ticking and the Tocking, I am reminded that all things come in HIS time.  I just have to keep walking one step at a time, one foot in front of the other...  and eventually the time will come.  My new reality will be just what HE had planned.  I will walk in my new reality, hand in hand, with my Abba Father.  I will be thankful to feel HIS warm embrace.  I will be obediant to HIS will.  I may wonder and even question it, but ultimately I will just accept it and praise him through my circumstance.

I pray that YOUR will be done God (but I also pray that my will and YOUR will  - could they just line up this time God?)  Father I ask that you would wrap your arms around my family and remind us of Your endless presence.  I ask that You would calm us and regardless of how this goes, I ask that You would comfort those that "loose" and remind the "winners" that there really are no winners in this.  All of us involved will loose something...  God I ask that You would comfort all.  I pray that You would touch my son.  Remind him that You are in control and only a prayer away.  Give us all the strength to keep going forward.  God if You bring my son home to me, I also ask that you would comfort his father and step-mother.  I know how much it hurts to have to give your child away.  I was ordered to do just that just two years ago.  God if Your will is for my baby to return home, then I pray for them.  If Your will is for me to be without my son, then I ask that You would place like minded Christians in his path on a daily basis so that my son would be daily reminded of You.  I ask that You would give him good Christian mentors that he would turn to for guidance and when he needs to talk.  God I ask that more than anything, You protect him from the things I cannot.  Amen.

The Difference

It is funny how things change over time.  I remember when just two short years ago, I had to take my son to the "neutral meeting spot" to drop him off, hand him over if you will, to his father.  That day was a very somber day.  I cried every day leading up to that day for at least a week and I cried every day after that day for probably six months.  When I dropped him off, he looked like such a little fellow.  Barely to my chin, he was still small.  His face was so boyish.  I remember wondering how I would live another day.  I remember wanting to just melt away.  I had spent his whole life making sure this would not happen.  And here it was, happening...  I was a wreck.  God had a plan for me.  You see I was not surrendering my whole life to HIM.  I would hand over little pieces, then take it all back...  God was going to use this tremendous hurt to bring me to my knees.  Fast forward two years...  I am still on my knees.  My son has out grown me by at least six inches, and where once he had a baby face there is now the features of a young man.  

What is the difference??  The difference is that today I am on my knees willingly - asking HIM to be in control of it all.  I am there grateful to have such a good GOD that I can come to HIM and lay my son at the alter.  I can say "OK GOD Your will be done."  And though I may not get what I have been praying for - for such a long time - I know that HE will give me what HE needs me to have.  I have learned that it is not just in the hard times that HE calls us to turn to him, it is in the everyday!  So every day I turn my family, my job, my life over to GOD and just as he reminds me occasionally that HE has this...  and each day it seems that he sends me a little GOD BREEZE so that I know HE is steadfastly in control...  Maybe someday I will get to make that drive back to the "neutral meeting spot" to pick up my son and bring him home for good - but until that day I will just keep praising HIS name and giving HIM all the glory...  it has never been anyone's but HIS from the very first day... 

In the "Now"

I love my children, both of them, dearly.  I want nothing for them except the best.  I want more for them than I have ever had, and more for them that I could even give them...  And then, one of my children asked me the question that I never wanted to have to answer.  It is probably one of the hardest questions a parent can be asked.  This was a question that would essentially require a one-word answer, but not this time.  I could never answer this question with only one word. 

"Don't you want me to be happy?" was asked. 

My knee-jerk reaction is to say "Of course, I want your happiness, above all else I want you to be happy..."  But then I have to realize that more than immediate happiness, I want for my children long-term happiness, long-term joy, and long-term success.  I want these things so much more than any short term "now" happy.  So I have to find a way to answer this question without upsetting too much the balance of happiness versus frustration.  My next thought is "I want your long-term happiness and long-term success WAY more than I want you to be happy right now.  And if ensuring that means that you will be unhappy for a short season to be able to have a lifetime of joy and success, well then strap in my friend because it is gonna get a little bumpy!"  But instead I just say "I do want you to be happy now, but your long-term happiness and success are so important to me too!" 

I am torn as any parent would be.  I wonder if this is how Jesus feels about me sometimes?  I wonder does he gets as frustrated with me when I "want happiness now" instead of waiting a while.  Is it hard for Him to sit back and tell me "NO" when I pray because he knows that what I ask for is a "now" prayer and what he has in store for me is so very much better and grander down the road, even though it will require me to be, perhaps, a little frustrated, or a little put out in the "now".  I also have to wonder how hard it must be for him to say "no" in the first place.  I know I often want to say "yes" to my kids to things in the "now" but I know it is best to put it off for a while in order to teach them some lesson of sorts, and often I have to fight myself to do the right thing.  I wonder if Jesus has to fight it too?  I wonder if he wants so much sometimes to give me what I want, only to have to choose not to in order to help me learn, or to save me from myself later down the road when that "now" thing would have had some damning consequences.  How great is HE!!!

I am so blessed that Jesus does tell me "NO" sometimes, I don't want to hear it usually, but I need to know that he has something better planned for me than what I think will make me happy "NOW!"

Perspective

How can I get a new perspective?  I read books, and blogs, and talk to my friends and mentors.  But still I see black as black and white as white, that is until I open the pages of my BIBLE.  That is when the colors of the rainbow show themselves to me...  I see Joseph's coat of many colors.  I see the red dust that was brushed off the sandals of the disciples, I see the the blue waters of the flood and the green leaves of the olive branch.  I see each and every color and can now get a perspective.  It is not about what I see or how I see it, it is about what Christ experienced and how we have been saved through HIM.  How awesome the colors are before my eyes... 

I have now my new perspective and it is creeping into everything I do and say.  I am humbled that by His Spirit I am able to effect changes in myself and be a positive example to others.  I read the parables and the stories.  I have read from the Old Testament and the New.  I like to read the Psalms and the Proverbs as I glean so much from them.  I am so thankful that I have an instruction manual for my life - and I am double thankful that it allows me to have a new and fresh perspective each time I open the covers and allow Christ to speak to me through it!

New Vision

This year I learned a lot about myself and GOD during my fast for Lent.

I gave up something that was hard for me, but it was the best thing I have done for myself in a long time.  I gave up a huge time-killer.  I gave up Facebook Applications. 

After Lent was over I spent Monday and Tuesday evening trying to play "catch-up" with my apps.  This was an exercise in futility.  It seemed impossible!  At the end of the evening last night I realized, that it was keeping me from doing some of the more important things I should be doing.  So I think I will fast again.  From time-wasters like FB and TV and mindless surfing of the internet.  I realized that I get a much greater joy in looking into myself and spending time blogging, thinking about things that happen in my life and trying to approach them in a different way - to see them differently, perhaps a little more clearly, but certainly from a different perspective.  That is what Lent was about for me this year I think.  Many things that I had a certain "thoughts" about, were revealed in new and different ways.  Some were heart warming, others were heart wrenching.  Ultimately though, I think God gave me the gift of new vision.  This new vision is all at once fantastic and wretched.  I love seeing anew just how my kiddos think...  It is such a blessing.  The down side is that I also seem to be more aware of some of the negativity and "sin" icism...  I realize that you can't even watch commercials on the TV any more as many are just completely inappropriate for kids to be watchin...  Maybe that is more than a good thing, perhaps it is a God thing as well.  When we made the decision in our home to watch TV as a family, and only watch that which we can all watch - it really cut down on our TV watching all together.  There are so many things we should be doing instead like reading and spending time with GOD in prayer and in effortless conversation with HIM and each other.  When we can turn on the radio and listen to some uplifting spiritual music and just get moving, get our to do lists checked off and complete our daily requirements.  I find it to be so freeing!  I am challenging myself to again not do the FB applications, but also to spend less time watching TV and more time hanging out with my family and living LIFE!  Now that spring has sprung, perhaps we can find some fun things to do outside, and away from all the time-killers. 

I just pray that GOD will reveal Himself again in a fresh, new way just as he has done for me before.  I pray that I will stay focused!  I pray that I will find peace!  I pray that I will know HIM more! 

If you are reading this, please pray for me too.

I am changed...

I am changed. 

I went to the Good Friday service at church tonight.  I watched the drama of the first Good Friday and I saw it with new eyes tonight.  I saw it through the eyes of a mom.  Oh how my heart mourns for Mary.  How hard it must have been for her to watch her son, THE SON, be crusified, murdered.  I can only imagine that she must have been down on her knees praying to GOD and perhaps a little angry with HIM.  I can just hear her cry out, "God what are you doing to our SON?  How can you let this happen?  Help him, don't you love him?  HELP HIM!!!!"  It was prophecy...  It was written...  It was necessary. 

Her son, THE SON of GOD, had long ago left the home of his mother, and he cleaved to his Bride, the Church.  HIS church was not that of the saved, but the sinners.  His church had no lumber or nails, no roof nor walls.  His church was the Church of the meek, of the hurt, of the sick, and of the lost.  He knew this all long before the wheels were set in motion.  He knew He would shed His blood to cover the sin of a fallen world.  He died on that tree so that we could live. 

He knew all of this...  But Mary...  what did she know?  She knew that her heart was broken and that she would never be able to hold her Jesus again.  She knew that Jesus was God's son and that God had called Jesus home.  She knew the pain that so few know, that of a mother who has lost their most prized possession, their child.  She must have wanted to take his place.  She must have begged to GOD, please I will gladly die for HIM - for my son, for my Jesus.  It must have been so hard for her to take her first breath after He took his final.  I can imagine that her legs must have been numb.  She must have felt as though the blood was drained from her body and her heart was stopped.  The anger she must have had, the hate she must have felt, and the emptiness that must have consumed her. I can only imagine what Mary felt.

And when it was all over, there on that cross hung the lifeless body of her first born.  There was a crown of thorns atop his head, that beautiful head that she must have kissed a thousand times over.  Where once his eyes shown with love, mercy, compassion, and determination, there was just a swolen mass of hollowness.  The robe she made for him, that she might have wanted back to have something of His to hold on to, it was being fought over by the very soldiers, those very men were casting lots to see who might have it.  There were nails pounded into his hands and feet, the very hands that fed and loved the hungry and unloveable, and the feet that walked so many miles just to share the GOOD NEWS of GOD.  There on that tree hung the lifeless body of her Jesus the man, and my Christ the Savior. 

I am changed.

Sometimes it just feels so right...

It is not every day that I get to spend time with my son.  Mostly just on weekends, and mostly just a little bit of time here and there.  Tonight as I was driving home with him in the car, I was struck with how easily the conversation flowed.  There were moments, sometimes long moments, of silence, but in general it was just so easy to talk to him and listen to him.  I find myself smiling when he starts talking...  Sometimes he doesnt even realize that he has been jabbering away for half an hour without coming up for a breath.  Other times he is as silent as he can be, just rolling his eyes at me, his mother.  I also find that there are times when all the rest of the house has gone to bed and in the quite and stillness of the house, he and I will sit up chatting, he asks me questions like "how do I get this guy at school to leave me alone" and "how do I get my ex-girlfriend to want to get back with me"?  It is these times that I must say it is such an honor to be his mom.  I am so happy to be able to be someone he can come to and ask questions.  I am so blessed that God chose me to be my son's mom.  I enjoy answering his questions, and hearing things like "Mom, you just dont know how hard school is these days!" and he is right.  School and peer pressure are probably harder today than  they were when I was a teenager, but then again, I am sure it felt just as hard to me then as it does to him now.  I try to give him good advise, and mostly I just try to listen.  I try to hear his heart to make sure he knows how much he is loved and how I would do just about anything for him.  I hear his struggles, and I am thankful that all the years of loving him, and building a foundation for him, it is paying off.  I know he is seeking Christ's guidance when he remembers to.  I wish he remembered more often, but I will allow God to be the one to make that change in my son.  I have raised him well, and I believe that with all of my heart.  I do not agree with his decisions, or the way he acts sometimes, but in the emulance of Jesus, I still give him Mercy and Grace just as the SON has given them to me.  Tonight, as my son was getting ready to go to bed, he walked into the office and without provication, he said, "G-night Mother, love you."  Sometimes it just feels so right to be his mom...

Hiding HIS words in my heart...

Memorizing is not something I am good at.  My daughter, however, is amazing.  She has recently taken to memorizing Bible Verses - not just the verse but usually the verses before and after so that it is in context and it "makes sense" to her.  Oh how I envy her (not in the Cardinal Sin kind of way just a little green around the edges).  I have never had an easy time of that.  Now I understand and can tell you the summary of the verse and how it applies, but to actually memorize and be able to recite chapter and verse - that just blows my mind. 

Though I have been one of God's chosen since I was quite young, I never really studied my Bible, never had an interest, but in the last 10 years or so I have become interested.  Recently my interest has been even greater.  At church we have been going through Ephesians, and I love it, I finally know where to go when reminding my kids that they are supposed to "honor (read: MIND) their father and mother..." It is in there, really it is and my teenage son, well he thought I was joking until I read it to him and pointed it out.  I love that all the answers to lifes questions are right there contained in the pages of HIS words.  How great is that!!  I do however wish I had a slightly more exhaustive concordance at times.  I know I have his words hidden in my heart somewhere, I just think I may have hidden them so well, I cant even find them myself...

I Listen... and I Learn

On my way home tonight, I began to think that I am closer to Jesus than ever I have been.  That got me to thinking that I can remember times in my life some years back when I was closer to Jesus that I had ever been.  As I tried to compare the two times in my life I was astonished to find out a few things about myself.  Back in the day when I was feeling so close and comfy with my Father, I was attending on Sundays - morning and evening, I was there on Wednesdays, I was volunteering my time to check in little kids, and I was enjoyig this.  I was involved in a "home group" and I was steady in attending, in fact I even received a "perfect attendance award".  Now I am regularly in attendance on Sunday morning, I go to a ladies group on Thursday evenings, and I take my daughter to Wednesday worship.  I am a servant leader and I attend a "Life Goup".  The real difference I think is that though the steps remain similar, the intention with which I take each step is different. 

On the first go around I did what I did because my peers expected it of me and I just assusumed it was the right thing to do.  This time, I struggled.  I wanted to serve, and I wanted to be a part of things, but I had no intention of leading anyone anywhere.  I felt ill-equipped to lead others.  But here I am.  I have often heard the term used that someone was "called" to serve, or "called" to preach.  I have NEVER understood what this meant until NOW!  I will admit, the phone did not ring, and there was no ominous voice at the other end saying, "Hey, you!  Go do something for me.  Go lead those people...  DO IT!"  Instead what I heard in my Spirit was, "you can do this...  I will equip you...  I will not forget about you and leave you out there...  I will show you what I want you to do...  I will only ask you to do what I know you can do...  and I will be right here to guide you and if you need to squeeze my hand when you get scared you can and I will squeeze back so you can feel my presence!" 

He kept repeating himself to me, over and over, more loudly and more clearly until one day I said OK, I gave myself over to HIM to do what he wanted me to do.  I am now so grateful that HE did not give up on me, because now I am closer to him, not because I serve, but because I have learned to LISTEN to HIM.  And I have also learned that my time with my Father is a constant conversation.  I talk to HIM just as if he was sittin' right next to me.  I talk to him in the car, in the shower, at work, when I lay down for the night, and any time I feel a God Breeze.  I call it a God Breeze when I think it is HE who starts the conversation.  I have learned to listen to HIM and wait for HIM.  HE never lets me down.  HE tells me to wait and HE tells me no sometimes, but he always listens and always responds.  I know now what it means to be close to JESUS.  It is simply divine! 

Tired, but restored!

As I sit here today I am not sure how I feel.  I am worn down mentally, and feel pulled in way too many directions.  I have deadlines at home, at work, and at church.  It seems there is always something popping up to zap my energy and my money.  I have a schedule that is pretty set, but can be flexible if needed.  I am thankful for that as it keeps me moving.  But today – right now, I am just not feelin' it.  I want nothing more than to go home and take a nap, one that when I wake up, it will be Friday.  I want to have the energy to spend time on exercise, and I want the motivation to do it when I do have the time, I want to look good and feel good and just BE.  I know this is merely a season, and if I am lucky it will be but a few days long – I know that the things going on around me are beginning to take their toll.  I just have to turn to The Father, and ask him to carry me for a day or two.  I feel like I just need a short respite.  He is the only one who can provide.  I know HE will provide, I just have to ask.  My respite might be only for a day but HE knows how long I need and when I need it, so I will just keep walking down this path, the one HE is ordering for me.  I will continue to put one foot in front of the other and though I may stumble and fall from time to time, HE will lift me up, HE will brush me off, and HE will cleanse my skinned knees.  HE will attend to my every need – and HE will do it in HIS time.  HIS time is a mystery to me.  Oh how I long to have an understanding of HIS clock.  But instead, I will just keep walking.  I can see a light on the path in front of me, and it lights up just a step or two.  The rest – the things that scare me that are all around me, they are shrouded in darkness, because HE knows I need to focus on the light, not see what is in the darkness.  I can hear the awful noises and screams in the darkness, but I can also hear my Father's voice reminding me that this world is temporary – and he is in control.  I can hear HIM tell me that he has a path for me and if I just keep following the light, all of the darkness will only follow me but not get in front of me as they know that the light I see is from HIM.  Even they know that HE is all powerful and all seeing.  They know they must not cross HIM because he has a legion of Angels to protect me.  As I remember this, I realize – the sounds in the darkness that are so scary to me, are but the sounds of the Angels, HIS Angels, warring for me.  They are fighting for me so that I can just keep walking into the light that HE has provided.  I can now take comfort in the awful sounds behind me, because I know that is the sound of HIS victory over the darkness.  I know that HIS victory is my victory because he shares it with me.  Just knowing this gives me energy, energy to finish this day.  This gives me energy to keep putting one foot in front of the other, and I just keep looking into the light of the path before me.  I don't question the path, HIS path, I just keep following it.  And I know, just as I know that JESUS is the one TRUE GOD, that this path leads to only one place, it leads to HIM.  One day when my path comes to and end and the darkness is lifted because my race here is over and only light surrounds me, I just hope to hear from HIM – "Well done my good and faithful servant, Well Done!  Come in, I have been waiting for you, and I am so happy to see you!"  Until that day is here, I will just keep walking, one foot in front of the other, concentrating on the light, and knowing that HE is in control.

My heart mourns for a stranger...

It surprises me how much my heart mourns for a stranger.

I, like so many others, have Facebook. I have used it to pass the time, to connect to old friends, to connect to old acquaintenances (not sure I spelled that one right and pretty sure I dont care), and keep up with what is going on with current friends when I dont take the time to stay in touch... yes you read that right, I am admitting that I dont take the time to be a better friend... but at least I accept this. This morning on my way to work, while stopped at the light nearest the highway, I looked at the Facebook application on my phone to read the latest.

I read about fish for adoption, crops that need fertilizing, and other general comments. Then I read the comment that broke my heart. A high-school friend of mine that I follow only on Facebook had updated her status. This friend was mourning and rejoicing at the same time, you see her good friend, perhaps her best friend, had gone to live with Jesus. I did not know this person, but through Facebook and through my old friend's page, I learned about this amazing woman. She was Mom, Wife and most of all she loves JESUS!! I say that she "loves" instead of she "loved" because I believe she gets to love him in the present and in the forever in a very real and intimate way. I dont know her, but I call her a sister because she loves JESUS as do I. I mourn for her child and her husband, as I think how horribly painful it must be for them, and it makes me so thankful, even more thankful than I am already for my perfectly imperfect family. I am so thankful for my Hubby, and my Kids. Without them I dont know if I could make myself breathe another breath.

And so my heart mourns for a stranger...

Three Legged Stools...

I am a leader at my church. I have to send out a weekly reminder to the servants on the team we serve on. I try each week to share a little of myself with them so that they can get to know me better and in return they will occasionally send me little bits about themselves. Last week this was my "self-offering"...


The last week has been a week of revelations for me in my life. I realized that through the course of my childhood and young-adulthood, I have had three things holding me back from experiencing the true love and acceptance of JESUS! I will not go into what those three things were, but I will liken them to the legs on a stool, each cut a different length so that as I tried to balance my life and sit upon that stool, it would be very rocky and I would fall time and time again. The good news is that I now have another three-legged stool and this one is built on THE FATHER, THE SON, and THE HOLY SPIRIT... Each leg is perfectly formed and may take on a different look - but each one is the same length and the same strength, and it makes for a wonderful foundation of dependability to sit upon... I sat on a trinity of pain and frustration before I renewed my trust in the LORD and now I sit on THE TRINITY of the ONE TRUE GOD!! Praise be his name!

To blog or not to blog... I know - so CHEESY

I have been struggeling with whether or not I should blog for some time now. I guess I always thought that I would have to commit to blogging every day or at least very frequently, but I guess I have decided that I will just do what I do and be happy with that.

I chose Faith in the Reflection as the name of my blog for several reasons. First and formost, I am a Believer in Jesus Christ cleverly disguised as a wife, mom, and friend. Second - each day I strive to live a Faith Filled life. I know this is not a profound thing, but it has become my mission. Because of this, recently I was given the best compliment I think I have even had from a very unlikely source, and it reminded me that my goal is realized on most days. Finally, when I look in the mirror each day I see a Child of God, and my faith is there - in the reflection...

Welcome to my thoughts, fears, joy, and everything else...

Come on in a sit awhile!