New number to get used to...

Today I had the excrutiating task of informing my younger child that my older child will not be coming home to live.  This was almost as hard to tell her as it was finding out ourselves.  I sat her down next to me and gently we told her that he would not be coming home to live - that the courts would not make him do this.  And then - I watched my sweet child crumple into a ball into my lap and sob.  She was heartbroken.  She was angry.  She was disappointed.  Mostly though - she was hurt.  We spent some time re-assuring her that this was going to be ok.  Trying to point out any "bright side" we could and - if I am to be perfectly honest - failing at finding any for her.  As I looked into her blue eyes and could see that this pain she was feeling was big for her.  It might even have been the biggest pain she has felt so far in her short life.  I am so sad for her.  I wanted to hold her, and tell her it would be ok.  We did assure her that God is in control and that His plan and purpose will be done in this...  I just wish this had given her some peace.  Perhaps it did - in her own way she may be receiving peace from what we shared with her.  I do wonder though - what will her prayers be like now?  I know mine have changed from "Bring my baby home" to "Please protect him from evil and guide his steps".  I wish I could comfort the pain out of this for her.  I wish I could comfort the pain out of this for me too.  As I broke this news as gently as I could, I could not help but feeling this lump in my throat the size of a baseball; I could feel my eyes get hot and sting with the anticipation of the tears that were about to fall; and I began to shake in not only my body - but my voice as well.  All of this and I have had some time to "get used" to this new situation.  Poor sweet girl - I wonder how long it will take her to get used to this new permanence...  Actually I wonder if we will ever really get used to it at all.  We are a family of four who has one of our members away almost all of the time.  How can we get used to three of everything.  Seriously - three is such an odd number.  I hate this number - 3 - !  I want us to be four again.  I want this so very badly but I find that four may not be in our future.  And so today, as I pen these words, I realize anew that perhaps though life as we have known it for so long and so longed to know it - will be forever changed.  God - give us strength.