God in the Revelation... not THAT REVELATION, just my revelation...

What a crappy revelation I had today...  I am a blamer.  Not that I must blame someone/something for every thing that is wrong with the world and more specifically, MY world - but more in a "it is all the ex-husband's fault that the child is such a heathen devil-dog hot mess!"  I "revelationed" today that acutually, it might not be the ex's fault, entirely...  It dawned on me that, for instance, my son is 15 years old and that, by definition, makes him a bit of a "stupid-teenage-boy-infected-with-numerous-strains-of-hormonal-instabilities", but it also makes him accountable for his actions, and responsible for accepting the consequences of same. 

This dawning of new information hit me today whilst I was talking to my Community Pastor, MA we will call him/her (gotta keep the identity shielded since I did not ask him/her for permission to use his/her name...).  I was describing how GOD is lighting a path in front of my son, and it is up to my son to decide...  "hummmmmm decisions, decisions - should I step onto the lighted path or will I turn from it and step into the darkness..."  This is my kiddo's opportunity to engage his free will...  (God, seriously you would give my kid free will - I know you give it to me, but I am way smarter and wiser and in general more capable...  but my kid - are you totally joking me???)  but seriously, the only reason I might be smarter, and wiser, and more capable is because I had that same (*gulp*) free will when I was his age, and I made LOADS of mistakes that were supposed to be lessons learned, some I have had to re-learn over and over, but evenually I figured it out and gained a little wisdom in the process... 

So now what?  This means I have to accept that it is not his father's fault entirely that my kid acts like a banchee from time to time, it might just be the choice the kid is choosing to make.  Now don't get me wrong, I am not saying his father is not potentially still a bad example and teaching him some crappy behavior, what I am saying is that given two sets of examples, one that is a perfect example of goodness and one that is a perfect example of badness, it is really up to my child to decide how he wishes to procede.  So this means I have to let his dad of the hook - at least a little - but only a little... 

This revelation causes me to think - is God thinking the same things about me.  Does he wonder if my worldly parents screwed me up - causing me to make those mistakes that led me to some points of wisdom...  HE is very likely, and well, lets face it, perfectly in fact, not thinking that at all.  He knows he gives me opportunities to walk in the path where he lights the way and I can also choose to step into the darker areas.  It is up to me.  HE is not to blame, and neither are my parents, or my teachers, or any other single person, I am solely responsible for my choices, my decisions, my failures and my fears.  GOD is just waiting for me to lift my arms and admit that I cannot do it without HIM and at that point he will carry me through. 

So...  it is not all the ex's fault.  What a crappy thing to realize.  OK - tomorrow is another day. 

GOD please keep lighting a path for my son.  I know he will not always choose to step into it, but please always just keep the light on.  I believe that evenutally he will come back to the light - he always has in the past and I pray he always will in the future.  GOD keep lighting a path for me.  I know I will not always step into the lighted part, but I know that I will always eventually realize that I am not on the right track and I will come back to you - with my arms held high, just waiting for you to lift me up and save me yet again.  Thank you for sending YOUR SON to be my savior and the savior of my son.  It had to have been difficult - I cannot imagine being asked to sacrifice my son for the sins of future generations.  YOU amaze me.  I love you GOD and I submit to you.  Thank you for protecting my son.  And thank you for allowing him to make some mistakes and allowing him opportunities to learn from them.  Whether or not he actually learns form them is up to him.

Amen

What a change some time makes...

It was a mere six months ago (give or take) that the Hubs decided - while I was in the hospital and could not share a lucid opinion , thank you very much - that he would turn off our satellite.  We tried to get a converter box and rabbit ears - but alas, it was a bit too complicated for my taste so back it all went and there we were stuck without TV.  Now I must confess, at the place where I work, we have two T.V.s and they are tuned to news shows such as CNN and FOX News all of the time, so I do get a fair amout of screen time, just not the kind that I did before.  I find that even though I am television-less, it is really only a pain when someone askes me if I have seen a recent commercial or show or something.  Then, invariably they will roll their eyes and say, "Never mind, you dont HAVE television..." and keep right on with their conversation.  Sometimes I feel a bit left out, but mostly it is pretty irrelivant to me. I have something that many of the TV watchers do not have, I have time.  And having time means that I can make changes because I have time to do so.  In recent weeks and months...  ok well since the middle of January anyway...  I have been on a de-cluttering mission.  Let me tell you, it is really sad when you have gotten rid of several trashcans full of garbage, several car loads to the good will, and much to the recycle bin, and yet it still does not look like you even made a dent in it...  Oh but I have learned to train my eye to see what the regular person will not...  I see that I have emptied at least  or six or seven tubs of crap that lined the wall of my garage, so now instead of a "Wall-O-Tubs" filled with all kinds of unnecessary stuff, I now have a column of empty tubs, nested one inside the other...  and I can now see passed the clutter that has made itself at home in my home and can start to get to the bottom of it and get it gone from my home.  It seems that where I once had blinders on - now I can see full spectrum...  please do not get me wrong, my house is still a wreck, but that is because we are working toward some other missions to get rid of clutter.  Each box I go through is carefully scrutinized and if I find anything that I think I want to keep - it must find a home immediately.  Then if I cannot find a good home for it I must get rid of it.  I keep coming across photos...  Blessed memories that I cherish, but you would not know it the way I have treated these photos just throwing them in boxes and not even labeling them.  So the Hubs and I are systematically scanning all photos into soft copy so that if anything ever were to happen, the waterheater goes KA-BLAM or the house were to meet an untimely demise, our belongings might be gone but the proof of our memories live on in cyberspace.  I am so excited about this I just cannot even say.  It is nice to know, plus it is giving me an opportunity to get all of these photos into photo boxes, and label them while I still remember when they are from... 

I have also had to come to terms with much of my crap...  I have moved so many times - probably some where around 12 in all in my adult life and I realized that I have moved so much crap from one place to another, when it should have been given to good will or even thrown away.  The Hubs and I have a financial plan that, if worked properly, will allow us to purchase a home of our own in a few years.  We have talked about where we want to be and have seriously talked about down-sizing to a "retirement" sized home a little early...  like a condo.  No mowing, and less home to clean!  This means I have to stay focused so that we will have as much of this crap gone as possible and only move things we absolutely LOVE into where ever we go...  I love this plan.  Slowly I will get there, but I have also learned it is an on-going process to keep the clutter at bay.  This will take us some time, but like I said we have lots of that, and what a change some time makes...

God in the... EVERYTHING

Tonight I sit here, after spending a few hours in fellowship with our LifeGroup from church, being so incredibly thankful for everything that God has given me and my family.  We (my LifeGroup) are going through some big things, and I know that God has His hand on it all.  We have so many health concerns, and life concerns, and death and questions...  God is there through it all.  I am wondering what his plan is.  I wonder when we will all get healthy as a group, and when this season will be over.  The one thing I do not worry about, however, is His presence through it all.  I wonder if the reason our group is being burdened with all of this is maybe because we have ticked off satan and he is trying to get in the middle of our joy...  not really sure, but I know one thing with as much surity as if it were the nose on my face - I am not going to let anything, and I do mean anything, get in the way of my love of Christ, or my relationship with HIM.  I will continue to lean into HIM and pray that my LifeGroupies will continue to lean into HIM as well - until we are collectively passed this season of health woes and fragilities.  My GOD is bigger than all of this, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that HE HAS THIS.  And what is even better, is that all of my LifeGroupies KNOW THIS TOO!

God is so good...  all the time...   without fail....  HIS timing is perfect...  HIS love is perfect...  and we are made perfect in HIS eyes. 

I will just continue to lift up my LifeGroupies in prayer and continue to ask God to give me opportunities to love on each of them.  They are my family.  They are HIS family.

AMEN!