Changes

I have lived a life full of changes.  I have moved countless times, and lived in many  small towns before I finally settled where I am today.  I have watched my children grow and change from little peanuts to strong, intelligent, and able young people.  I am again at another change in my life.  This weekend I found out that the fight I have been fighting for the last three years – it is over.  I lost.  My child will not be returning home to live, but will instead live 110 miles away – 2.5 hours – and there is nothing I can do about it.  This is now permanent.  I am confused, hurt, and angry – but not at my child; I am so emotionally charged due to the situation and the legal system.  I have no doubt that it can work right, and some feel like justice is served, but I feel like our legal system has give too much responsibility to our young children and to strangers who never get to know you.  Our Social Worker seems to be a nice person – I even decided early on that I would acquiesce to her decision regardless of the outcome.  I am now doing just that.  I am handing my son over to his father.  This is the same man who was less than kind to me when we were married and had nothing to do with our son until he became old enough to be a pawn in this crazy game of hurt-the-ex-wife.  And now, even though he says he wants to be the full time dad, he seems unable (read: unwilling) to fulfill all of the necessary functions of the full-time dad.  Even with a wife to help him, he still puts my son on the back burner.  Perhaps because he knows how much this behavior hurts me, perhaps because he thinks our fourteen year old should grow up faster than I think he should, or maybe it is just because he is a big old butt – either way he puts my son further down the list of priorities than I think any parent should with their child.  I guess this is out of my hands now, never to be in my ability to have any say in again.  This frustrates me to all end…  And I think this is hurtful to my son.  I know he sees this, but is so enamored with his father who has finally given him some attention after all the years, the he doesn't want to admit it.  And he (my son) has even begun to twist reality into something that it is not.  You can't tell him that dad was not there for any length of time, because he will not believe it – whether out of self-preservation or because his father has misinformed him; I don't know.  I know only one thing – this change – now permanent – is the single-hardest change I have ever had to go through in my life.  It has come with more pain, and hurt, and dismay than anything else.  I have been through deaths of loved ones that were not as difficult.  This change will take some getting used to…

God help me to move through this process with grace and as a good example for my children.  I know they are watching every move I make, so each move must be made with intention and purpose.