God in the Changes

Yesterday - one of my co-workers noticed a shirt I was wearing and commented on it looking nice on me - then she said it would be even better if you would just do...  Some may think that was tacky - but this person who made this series of comments is someone that I know and trust.  For all intensive purposes I consider her family.  She wanted me to realize that for the last three years I have been giving all I had to the situation with my son.  Now that has come to a completion, so she ever so gently reminded me that I need to take care of me.  It was a touching moment for me, then...

I got an email from one of my friends from church.  It was a devotional about how we see ourselves and that we should see what Jesus sees.

This got me to thinking, I need to be happy with me, and part of that is taking time for myself.  So today I got on the eliptical machine that has been collecting dust in my room.  I spent fifteen hard minutes listening to praise and worship music and trying not to think about what I was doing.  My thighs were burning and my heart rate was climbing.  The next thing I know I have serious sweat dripping down my neck.  All this and it was only fifteen minutes.  I realize now that what I need to do for me is get in better shape.  I know that I am what God has designed on the inside - but now I need to work on the outside - but not for anyone other than for me.  I will do my best to get in some exercise and eat better...  I and going to do this - a little at a time.  And when the day comes that I have made some headway - I will know that God is in the changes...  the changes in me!

God in the Calling

What a strange day.  Today school started and I realized that my life as a MOM will be a little different now.  Not only is my older child now in high school **OMG** but my younger child has just started her last year of elementary.  When I see this in black and white it really seems so benign…  but my heart is starting to quiver at the thought that I have made it to the point in life where elementary school will be a thing of the past.  No more PTA meetings to sit through so that I can watch my child sing in the half-hour play that the teachers put on.  No more "Pre-Packaged School Supplies" to support PTA.  No more daily signing folders to see what my kiddo has done that day.  But wait…  this also means no more sweet (and still a little sticky) craft projects coming home at Mother's Day, Father's Day, Christmas…  No more "Guess what I did today" excitement.  No more going on field trips and getting to be the "Best Mom Ever" when I buy all of the kids in my group an ice-cream…  I will miss these days so very much – but I will look forward to Science projects, and overnight field trips, and of course helping with homework that is way over my head.  Coming to terms with the fact that your child has just surpassed you in the category of "book-smarts" is a hard thing to do.  I am so not looking forward to getting into a battle of whits with my child and LOSING…  But I know it is coming and it is bearing down on me way faster than I want it to…

I wonder what the Father thinks when we, as Christians "graduate" to the next level…  And what is that anyway.  I mean seriously – I hear the term Baby Christians...  all the time.  I have even been guilty of calling myself one from time to time.  I suppose now, if I were to have to categorize myself, I would lean toward being a Pre-Teen Christian…  Feeling like I know more than I used to but without the smart mouth – and cocky attitude…  How though, does GOD see me?  I am HIS child – does he even categorize me…  I mean really now – how often do those who feel so unequipped and young in their walk get called to do more for His Kingdom?  It happens – ALL.  THE.  TIME.  And I would be willing to bet – each of us that is really open to doing what He wants for us, will all be faced with a challenge – the challenge – of just doing what HE asks us to do, instead of telling him what we are willing, or able, or wanting to do.  Take me for instance – I don't really like kids.  Don't get me wrong – I love them, but I don't like them too much.  I have a very low tolerance for misbehaving children.  You know the kind I am referring to - the kind that are serious Heathen-Devil-Dog-Misbehaving children...  the ones that you just don't look forward to dealing with. This happened to me recently – I began to teach Kindergarten Girls (a group of six of them) about JESUS.  Do you know what happened – GOD has changed my heart.  I love these little girls.  And now that the school year is over, I am blessed to teach a new set of girls.  I am blessed to get to know more names, and situations, and teach them how to hide JESUS in their hearts.  Will it be a challenge – you bet!!  But I think it will be one of the best challenges I have taken on in a long time, and I am assured that it will be WORTH THE EFFORT!!!!           

Woohoo GOD!!

Thanks for calling me GOD and thanks for growing me just as you grow my children – thank you for entrusting them to me and for allowing me to be their mom.  I pray that all of the little children you put in my class will see Jesus in me – in big ways and small – and that in some small way I will help them to know you, and maybe even help them to draw near to you.  If I can just plant some seeds into these sweet little hearts that are so ready for you LORD – I just ask that you equip me.  I know you will – you have promised this…

God in the Grocery Game...

Before the Grocery game I spent as much or more that I spend now on groceries and we never had anything to eat it seemed.  I would plan meals and when the pay period was over we were scrounging for ways to make what we had (as little as it seemed at times) go a little farther.  Then one evening one of my daughter's friend's mom was running late from work and would not be able to get to the after school program on time.  Since we knew this child and I had talked to the mom a few times, I offered to bring them home to my house and let this child hang out with my kids for a while till mom could come.  Then mom got there and was telling us how she was going "Grocery Gaming" that evening.  Of course I was wondering what is this Grocery Game...  so I asked her to tell me more.  That was the beginning of a wonderful relationship between me and my coupons...  Only GOD could have orchestrated this when we needed it so desparately at that time...  Fast forward to today and you might just ask yourself:

Where else can you spend a couple of hours of preparation and over the course of two weeks come out ahead of the game on your groceries?  Do you wonder what it is I am talking about?  Well settle in and learn a little my friend.  I have been subscribing to a little thing called The Grocery Game.  You can find it at http://www.thegrocerygame.com/ .  I save big percentages every week.  Prior to the last couple of weeks I was getting a pretty good average usually saving betweek 30-50 percent but more often than not, I was much closer to the lower end of that percentage.  In the last couple of weeks I have been going on to all of the additional sites out there looking for coupons that are printable and ones that can be loaded to my grocery reward card.  I think I may have hit the mother load.  Last week I purchased $316.18 worth of groceries and I paid a mere 128.83 for a savings of $187.35 or 59%.  This was one of the highest savings I have had until today.  Today I went shopping and purchased $203.24 worth of groceries for a measly $66.22 for a savings of $134.02 or... thats right...  uh huh... 66%!!!!!  I have only paid in the last two weeks $195.05 for my groceries that were worth $519.42...  Allow me to break this down for you...  I budget 125 per week on groceries.  We take our lunches to work/school almost every day.  For the last two weeks I am UNDER budget.  This is a GOD thing!  We are being good stewards of our money and now HE is rewarding us.  We are using Dave's system and it is all coming together.  God in the Grocery Game...  At least for my family.

God in the Money Mill...

I am challenging myself to be more observant of my surroundings...  Not in the traditional sense, but in the GOD sense.  I know that GOD is everywhere, I just want to challenge myself to see it - to be more aware.  So today I was thinking about our finances.  We are on the "Dave Ramsey" diet.  For all intensive purposes this means that we are as frugle as possible.  One of my frugalities is the "Money Mill"  you drop in your change and over time you find you have many dollars...  Allow me to explain...  Imagine the wonderous sound of a gently whirring motor, this whirring is accompanied by ching ching...ching ching ching.  The whirring is the sweet sound of the motor turning the plastic plate that gently and swiftly encourages each shiny, beautiful coin into its slender plastic sleeve... as each coin is guided into its home, it meets the final resting place... ching.  Then of course the next hand full of glorious coinage is dropped into the holy grail of personal change management.  As, over time, the mill is fed day in and day out - eventually each of the sleeves is filled to capacity.  More magic happens as each tube of coins is then transfered to its paper wrapper, which I like to think of as the gift wrap that my coins turned to dollars are each wrapped in.  Sometimes, when several tubes are ready for harvest at the same time, it feels like hitting the Cycle...  it is so exhilirating.  What's more, with each wrapped tube of coins there is a little more money saved to pay of a specific bill, or to buy that thing that I would never budget for.  It is so worth it!!  Not everyone understands this...  You should have seen the look on that clerks face when I told her I had been saving my pennies, then after she rang up my tennies - I pulled a gallon zippy bag out of my purse with $47.50 in rolled change...  PRICELESS. 

You may be wondering where I can see GOD in this...  Allow me to explain.  A year ago we where struggling to make ends meet.  It was so hard to always say to the kids "we cant afford that".  Then we found Dave Ramsey.  This was a GOD thing.  As we began to name every dollar and put them into envelopes so that we knew where our money was and where it was going, we were finding ourselves on a cash basis.  Suddenly the coins began to collect.  When you pay for something with your budgeted money and you find that you are given .29 in change you just dont even think about it.  Then over time and many transactions being good stewards of what we were entrusted there is a surplus of coins...  Now I am able to enjoy the sound of the Money Mill all because of the plan that GOD put into my life and our budget.  Oh how sweet it is...  If I can find HIM here, I can know I can find him elsewhere...  I wonder where I will see HIM tomorrow.

New number to get used to...

Today I had the excrutiating task of informing my younger child that my older child will not be coming home to live.  This was almost as hard to tell her as it was finding out ourselves.  I sat her down next to me and gently we told her that he would not be coming home to live - that the courts would not make him do this.  And then - I watched my sweet child crumple into a ball into my lap and sob.  She was heartbroken.  She was angry.  She was disappointed.  Mostly though - she was hurt.  We spent some time re-assuring her that this was going to be ok.  Trying to point out any "bright side" we could and - if I am to be perfectly honest - failing at finding any for her.  As I looked into her blue eyes and could see that this pain she was feeling was big for her.  It might even have been the biggest pain she has felt so far in her short life.  I am so sad for her.  I wanted to hold her, and tell her it would be ok.  We did assure her that God is in control and that His plan and purpose will be done in this...  I just wish this had given her some peace.  Perhaps it did - in her own way she may be receiving peace from what we shared with her.  I do wonder though - what will her prayers be like now?  I know mine have changed from "Bring my baby home" to "Please protect him from evil and guide his steps".  I wish I could comfort the pain out of this for her.  I wish I could comfort the pain out of this for me too.  As I broke this news as gently as I could, I could not help but feeling this lump in my throat the size of a baseball; I could feel my eyes get hot and sting with the anticipation of the tears that were about to fall; and I began to shake in not only my body - but my voice as well.  All of this and I have had some time to "get used" to this new situation.  Poor sweet girl - I wonder how long it will take her to get used to this new permanence...  Actually I wonder if we will ever really get used to it at all.  We are a family of four who has one of our members away almost all of the time.  How can we get used to three of everything.  Seriously - three is such an odd number.  I hate this number - 3 - !  I want us to be four again.  I want this so very badly but I find that four may not be in our future.  And so today, as I pen these words, I realize anew that perhaps though life as we have known it for so long and so longed to know it - will be forever changed.  God - give us strength.

Hope Springs Eternal...

Life is a series of ebbs and flows.  Ups and downs.  Good and bad.  As long as we work toward ending on the high note - as often as possible - life and all of its surprises will not get the best of us.  I am reminded of how important it is to be flexible and willing to embrace change.  Today I had a meeting of sorts that will change my servant roll at church.  I dont see the change being huge, but there will be change.  I am so excited as this is the same kind of change I have been hoping for and praying for for a good long time.  I know that with change - even when you are looking forward to it - there is often discomfort.  But I will weather this series of changes with excitement and be encouraged that GOD is in the middle of it.  I wonder though, how this will affect our team.  I am sure though, that, what ever we are in store for, HE will make it all for HIS glory. 

This gives me the utmost comfort.

Grace vs Mercy

One of my friends sent me a word of encouragement today - this comes after an evening of pain that only a mother will bear from one of her children:

"Moms are the closest thing to Jesus this world knows. They are always there and they love us through our proudest victories and our most destructive choices. But Our Father in heaven is familiar with the heartbreak of watching His children choose separation and brokeness over His love and true life. Noone knows how you feel right now better than He does. I know His heart breaks with yours sister. Hold tight to His Word. It's where He shows us how we are to respond in this exact circumstance.  Love you girl."

What kinder thing can a friend send to encourage me - from one mom to another.  I am blessed that I have a network of Godly women and men around me. 

I am still struggling with this new decision that we have been handed down.  I am reminded of the following:

Grace is getting what you don't deserve. Mercy is when you DON'T get what you DO deserve.

I dont deserve anything - I am a wretched sinner, but by HIS BLOOD, I am saved by Grace through Faith.
I will give Mercy - I am commanded to do so...
"Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you. This is the essence of all that is taught in the law and the prophets.  Matthew 7:12

So I will just try to get a little more acquainted with Grace and Mercy...Getting and Giving...

Father, protect my family; carry us through the hurt and disappointment of the recent days and weeks.  Give us peace that passes all understanding.  Remind us that you are the Shepherd and we are but the sheep.  Help us fix our eyes upon you - and grow us in your love and compassion.  Teach us to remember what we are here to do - Receive the Grace we do not deserve, and Freely show Mercy to those around us and to ourselves.  Father shine your light at our feet so we can follow you.  Remove our chains of bondage to this world and allow us to relish in the understanding that this fleshly world is only temporary and what You have for us in eternity is far greater.  Bless us as we follow you and gently remind us to stay the course.  I lay my Isaac at your feet.  Amen.

Changes

I have lived a life full of changes.  I have moved countless times, and lived in many  small towns before I finally settled where I am today.  I have watched my children grow and change from little peanuts to strong, intelligent, and able young people.  I am again at another change in my life.  This weekend I found out that the fight I have been fighting for the last three years – it is over.  I lost.  My child will not be returning home to live, but will instead live 110 miles away – 2.5 hours – and there is nothing I can do about it.  This is now permanent.  I am confused, hurt, and angry – but not at my child; I am so emotionally charged due to the situation and the legal system.  I have no doubt that it can work right, and some feel like justice is served, but I feel like our legal system has give too much responsibility to our young children and to strangers who never get to know you.  Our Social Worker seems to be a nice person – I even decided early on that I would acquiesce to her decision regardless of the outcome.  I am now doing just that.  I am handing my son over to his father.  This is the same man who was less than kind to me when we were married and had nothing to do with our son until he became old enough to be a pawn in this crazy game of hurt-the-ex-wife.  And now, even though he says he wants to be the full time dad, he seems unable (read: unwilling) to fulfill all of the necessary functions of the full-time dad.  Even with a wife to help him, he still puts my son on the back burner.  Perhaps because he knows how much this behavior hurts me, perhaps because he thinks our fourteen year old should grow up faster than I think he should, or maybe it is just because he is a big old butt – either way he puts my son further down the list of priorities than I think any parent should with their child.  I guess this is out of my hands now, never to be in my ability to have any say in again.  This frustrates me to all end…  And I think this is hurtful to my son.  I know he sees this, but is so enamored with his father who has finally given him some attention after all the years, the he doesn't want to admit it.  And he (my son) has even begun to twist reality into something that it is not.  You can't tell him that dad was not there for any length of time, because he will not believe it – whether out of self-preservation or because his father has misinformed him; I don't know.  I know only one thing – this change – now permanent – is the single-hardest change I have ever had to go through in my life.  It has come with more pain, and hurt, and dismay than anything else.  I have been through deaths of loved ones that were not as difficult.  This change will take some getting used to…

God help me to move through this process with grace and as a good example for my children.  I know they are watching every move I make, so each move must be made with intention and purpose.