What a crappy revelation I had today... I am a blamer. Not that I must blame someone/something for every thing that is wrong with the world and more specifically, MY world - but more in a "it is all the ex-husband's fault that the child is such a heathen devil-dog hot mess!" I "revelationed" today that acutually, it might not be the ex's fault, entirely... It dawned on me that, for instance, my son is 15 years old and that, by definition, makes him a bit of a "stupid-teenage-boy-infected-with-numerous-strains-of-hormonal-instabilities", but it also makes him accountable for his actions, and responsible for accepting the consequences of same.
This dawning of new information hit me today whilst I was talking to my Community Pastor, MA we will call him/her (gotta keep the identity shielded since I did not ask him/her for permission to use his/her name...). I was describing how GOD is lighting a path in front of my son, and it is up to my son to decide... "hummmmmm decisions, decisions - should I step onto the lighted path or will I turn from it and step into the darkness..." This is my kiddo's opportunity to engage his free will... (God, seriously you would give my kid free will - I know you give it to me, but I am way smarter and wiser and in general more capable... but my kid - are you totally joking me???) but seriously, the only reason I might be smarter, and wiser, and more capable is because I had that same (*gulp*) free will when I was his age, and I made LOADS of mistakes that were supposed to be lessons learned, some I have had to re-learn over and over, but evenually I figured it out and gained a little wisdom in the process...
So now what? This means I have to accept that it is not his father's fault entirely that my kid acts like a banchee from time to time, it might just be the choice the kid is choosing to make. Now don't get me wrong, I am not saying his father is not potentially still a bad example and teaching him some crappy behavior, what I am saying is that given two sets of examples, one that is a perfect example of goodness and one that is a perfect example of badness, it is really up to my child to decide how he wishes to procede. So this means I have to let his dad of the hook - at least a little - but only a little...
This revelation causes me to think - is God thinking the same things about me. Does he wonder if my worldly parents screwed me up - causing me to make those mistakes that led me to some points of wisdom... HE is very likely, and well, lets face it, perfectly in fact, not thinking that at all. He knows he gives me opportunities to walk in the path where he lights the way and I can also choose to step into the darker areas. It is up to me. HE is not to blame, and neither are my parents, or my teachers, or any other single person, I am solely responsible for my choices, my decisions, my failures and my fears. GOD is just waiting for me to lift my arms and admit that I cannot do it without HIM and at that point he will carry me through.
So... it is not all the ex's fault. What a crappy thing to realize. OK - tomorrow is another day.
GOD please keep lighting a path for my son. I know he will not always choose to step into it, but please always just keep the light on. I believe that evenutally he will come back to the light - he always has in the past and I pray he always will in the future. GOD keep lighting a path for me. I know I will not always step into the lighted part, but I know that I will always eventually realize that I am not on the right track and I will come back to you - with my arms held high, just waiting for you to lift me up and save me yet again. Thank you for sending YOUR SON to be my savior and the savior of my son. It had to have been difficult - I cannot imagine being asked to sacrifice my son for the sins of future generations. YOU amaze me. I love you GOD and I submit to you. Thank you for protecting my son. And thank you for allowing him to make some mistakes and allowing him opportunities to learn from them. Whether or not he actually learns form them is up to him.
Amen
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